On Regret

So recently I’ve gotten involved with a indie video game group, called Studios Lu/ne. I am working as their Public Relations person, and I am very excited.

What does this have to do with regret? 

Well, this afternoon my birthson texts me. He’s 19 going on 40, as they always are at that age, a geek, and just finishing his first year of university. We get talking about video games, and I mention Studios Lu/ne. I send him the link, and then immediately start the “Wait, is that age-appropriate?” thing.

Then I remember – he’s 19. NINETEEN. Age-appropriate isn’t really a concern anymore.

And for the first time, I felt regret at the choice I made in giving him up.

Not that I would have preferred to deprive him of the love he has from his adoptive parents, or the experiences and opportunities he has had so far that would not have been possible if not for the adoption.

My regret isn’t in giving him up.

My regret is in not being a bigger part of his life.

In the early years, this wasn’t really an option. But by the time he was ten, it was. His adoptive parents were comfortable with me, and I spent a wonderful week with them when he was 11, and I was on disability. We were growing closer.

But, as it often does, life got busy and our visits were few and far between. 

And, as they do, he grew up and now instead of that impressionable, fun-loving child, I have an adult visiting me. I am proud of the man he is becoming, and glad I can be a part of his life, But I wish I could have been a bigger part.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I am childfree. I will NOT be having children. This is a conscious decision on my part, due to health and circumstances, I just don’t think being a mother is a good option for me.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love the one offspring I DO have. He is a brilliant young man with a great future ahead of him.

I guess the thing I CAN do, since rewinding time and making different choices is impossible, is to be a bigger part of his life going forward. It will be difficult – I have a very eventful life these days, as as a university student, so does he. But that’s how it goes.

And I know my life will be much more rewarding if he’s in it more.

I can only hope he’ll feel the same way.




FYI – If you wanna check out Studios Lu/ne, go to http://www.studioslune.com

Yanno, just because.






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