Friday Afternoon Self-Reflection

So I have to admit something here – I have not been myself for the last week.

The struggle with my anxiety is well under control. I still have a few drawbacks from time to time, but that’s normal. It’s been nothing I cannot control.

And then I got sick. It started right before my birthday – sore throat, fever, laryngitis. I missed an afternoon of work due to that.

It cleared up by the weekend, and I went to my scheduled trip to the Regina Fan Expo. On the way to Regina, my ears started to hurt. By 11 pm, I was in so much pain, I was tempted to go to the hospital. Tylenol and non-prescription ear drops wouldn’t touch the pain. It was horrible. But eventually, I fell asleep, thinking it would be better to go to a medical clinic in the morning, since Emergency Room waits are notoriously long.

Long story short, I had a severe middle ear infection. I was given antibiotics and prescription strength ear drops. Within an hour the pain was under control.

When I got back home the Monday, however, my ears were rather full. Tuesday morning I went to work and realized quickly that my ears were plugged and hearing was… well, it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t hear a thing.

I ended up missing a week of work again. And that where things started going wrong for me.

There are a a couple things that occurred thanks to this illness.

1. I am at least a week behind on my work. I have a newsletter that was supposed to be at the printer’s over a week ago. I’m still working on it. I have a webpage that is in desperate need of a redesign. I have the files at home and am working on it, but it’s slow going. And there are other things that keep popping up, so I can’t get to these big projects.

2. I fell off of my birth control pills. I am on them to help control my peri-menopause symptoms. Which include wild mood swings.

So, between stress and my lack of pills, I am no longer in control of my mood swings. Add to that PMS.

It’s no wonder my reaction when my mother told me that my brother and his family, who are supposed to arrive today, weren’t going to tell her when they arrive until today.

I may have blown a gasket.

Ok.

I DID blow a gasket.

I know I overreacted, and I’m lucky in that I had at least the presence of mind to bitch in private to my friends instead of on public forums or to my brother directly.

But here’s the thing. This is what got me so mad.

I always feel like my brother has no concept of respect for his family. We are always at his mercy as to when things are going to happen. His wife is little better. They both want what they want now. And to hell with how it affects our family.

I cannot understand this. When I am visiting someone, I give them plenty of notice. If I need a ride from the airport (in the case of me flying), or any other special considerations, I let them know in plenty of time what those needs are, so that they can prepare for them. To just assume that we’ll be there and are able to do what they want us to do is grossly unfair. We are excited to see them, but that doesn’t mean they can do as they will.

So, with no knowledge as to what time the impending visitors will arrive, my parents left for the city at 7 am. To be fair, that’s a little early. When they visit, Allen and his family typically show up in the early afternoon. But fine, whatever. Mom tells me to be there for supper. I know I’m spending the weekend in the city, so I book a hotel, knowing how crowded my other brother’s place will be.

Two nights at a hotel. $350. 

Mom texts me early this afternoon. Supper plans are cancelled – Allen won’t be in until 10 pm.

I know myself. I am not a night owl. I like to be in bed at least reading, if not asleep, at that time. Because no matter what time I go to bed, I’m up at around 7 am. 

So I could have stayed at home tonight. But it’s too late to cancel my hotel room.

And not to mention that Mom and Dad could have been a little more relaxed with when they were getting into the city.

Am I wrong to think that it’s highly selfish to not think of how your plans (or lack thereof) may affect others? Is it really such a big deal to say “We get in at 10” so that people know what to expect?

…..

This has turned into somewhat of a rant, and I didn’t mean it to. Sorry. The point of this post to that I realized today that this anger I’m feeling isn’t me – it’s the PMS and the peri-menopause and the stress all rolled up into one little anger ball. And so at least I know there is a cause and a solution.

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